5 Ways To Wipe Your Bottom Without Toilet Paper

If you've been to your local supermarket recently you've probably noticed a distinct lack of Poo paper. this is down to a large portion of humanity showing how utterly moronic they are. We have just gone into a second lockdown.

A. Second. Lockdown.

Meaning, we've already gone through one. Meaning, we know what to expect. The country didn't run out of toilet paper then, even though people were buying massive amounts so we won't run out now. Your posterior will still remain clean if you just buy the normal amount. 

However, should the nightmare scenario actually happen, where we run out of paper for you to clean your Arris, you can revert to this post where I've kindly put together a list of ways to clean your rear end.

You're welcome.

  • Bidet - After pinching one (or several) off after a delicious curry the night before, the last thing you probably want to do is straddle a basin that shoots water right at your nethers. But, it is quite hygienic, apparently.
  • Socks - you are wearing socks, right? In a tight spot, no toilet roll to be seen? Not in a position to waddle off with your trousers round your ankles to your wife's knicker drawer? Then take off a sock give it a good old wipe and pop it back on chuck it in the bin. Problem solved.
  • That letter from your boss informing you that you aren't getting a raise - It's up to you whether you post it back to him or not.
  • Shower - Similar to the Bidet but no straddling involved. This way you can slap some Original Source Mint & Tea Tree on and feel refreshed. Just don't put that on your nads. It's not the best feeling. My mate told me.
  • Foliage - Maybe you're outside camping or you've been kicked out by the Mrs after a mysterious brown stain appeared on her favourite piece of underwear. Either way, leaves could be a great substitution for toilet roll. Afterwards, you can walk off in disgust at what "somebodies dog has done!"
I hope this helps. If you happen to use any of these helpful tips do me a favour. Don't tell me.

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  1. ooo, foliage! Now there's an idea. Not too sure about socks. A bit thick I'd have thought.

    1. Depends if you buy your socks from Primark or not, like me 😂


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