On a muggy Friday afternoon after the school run, one man (me) starts to discuss the merits (with himself) of a meth business. The drugs would certainly help get through listening to Alice tell me 756,450 things in 8.2 seconds. Also, the extra few millions of pounds wouldn't go amiss. If Walter White can do it, so can I. The fact I know jack shit about chemistry and drug dealing is only a small obstacle in my brilliant master plan.
The reason I'm thinking about this is because being a dad (or just a parent in general) is hard. Sometimes it feels like the kids are sent to break us. Many things in life just seem to happen to test our patience and even though it may not seem it in my household, since becoming a dad, I've got a lot more patience for things.
I'm soon brought back into the real world when I hear the familiar sound of
"Daaaad!! I've had a huge dump, me wipe my own bum!"
You won't break me poo monster, I'm a dad.
Why is it that flies enjoy tormenting us. The window in my kitchen was open a few minutes the other day and a fly got in. It then proceeded to buzz around my general location, no matter where that was in the house, whether I was eating my tea, watching
Love Island Die Hard and even when taking a tom tit. I felt like I was in the episode from Breaking Bad, where the fly is tormenting Walt and Jessie.
I'm sure I heard it buzzing in morse code "I'm coming for you!" as I was sat on the throne. You won't break me fly, I'm a dad.
Dad bods are all the rage at the minute and being the fashionista that I am, I like to keep up with the trends. So, to get myself in dad bod shape quicker, I do enjoy a takeaway. We usually order from Just Eat as its easier, mainly because I don't have to drive to a takeaway. Why would I want to burn calories when I need to power up the dad bod.
When you order through Just Eat, the order goes straight to the particular takeaway and then they prepare and deliver your order. Why is it that they can't get the order correct? Far too many times, we have had an order that has been wrong. I mean, it's right there in front of you on a screen for crying out loud! Do they do it on purpose?
You won't break me dad bod creators, I'm a dad!
"Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad"
"Errr, I forgot"
Goddammit. Thankfully I don't hear the word "Dad" as much as the wife hears the word "Mum"
Anyone else's child ask the same question 32 times after its already been answered?
How about needing a drink, to go to the toilet, informing us they feel sick, saying their pyjama top is too pink, just as they're getting in bed?
You won't break us kids, I'm a dad.
Dads, you are awesome. I'm always thinking whether I'm doing a good enough as a dad. My kids are fed, healthy, they have a loving home and I love them with all my heart.
Even when Alice does a chocolate snake the size of an actual snake.