January 19, 2018

Goldy Locks and the three Bares. A 2018 story

by , in

Once upon a time on a council estate not so far away lived a 19-year-old tearaway named Goldy Locks.

One day after an argument with her father about the state of her pigsty of a room she stormed out of the house telling her dad he was a "fucking asshole". After wandering aimlessly for a while she ended up on a new estate that was only half built. 

People were moving in already, that's what this new 5% deposit scheme from the government gets you.

Goldy walked up to the first house and noticed the door ajar, she could see through the window that it had furniture in so somebody was definitely living there. She couldn't see anyone around though so in she went. As she walked in she could smell that "new paint" smell you get when you've been decorating. She also recognised the vase in the hallway, it was from Home Bargains. She wanted it for her room.

As she walked through the living room and into the dining room she noticed three bowls of porridge on the solid pine six seater table. Goldy, having now regretted telling her dad to "shove his toast up his arse" had realised she was hungry. 

"Bollocks to it," she said out loud to herself. She took a mouthful from the first bowl. "Shit" she exclaimed, it was too hot. Goldy took a mouthful from the second bowl.

"Who the hell puts peanut butter in porridge?"

She took a mouthful of the third bowl, this one was perfect. Finally. 

After all that porridge Goldy fancied a bit of a sit-down. She was hoping that they had Netflix so she could watch the new series of Stranger Things. Her dad was too cheap to get Netflix. She sat in the first chair but there was an ass groove in it which was huge. The second chair was a small recliner but it didn't work. That's what buying couches from DFS gets you.

In the corner she noticed a rocking chair with a big comfy looking cushion on it. She grabbed the remote and settled down ready to watch some Netflix and relax. As she did the chair broke and Goldy landed flat on her back

"Fuck Shit Bollocks!"

After trespassing and stealing food Goldy decided to go for a look around. She was beginning to get a bit tired from her walk. She started to climb up to the third story of the house.

"Who the fuck are these people with a three-story house, friggin royalty?!"

Once she reached the top she went inside the first room, she planned on having a lie down. This room had a cot in so it was a no go. The second room had what was clearly a child's single bed but it had stairs to get up to the bed. Goldy didn't fancy walking up even more stairs so she tried the third room. This had a kingsize bed.

She dived on the bed, the Egyptian cotton sheets immediately felt smooth on her skin and she dozed off to sleep. Whilst she was asleep Paddy Bare the owner of the house came home with his son Billy Bare and his daughter Mary Bare. Paddy Bare was a stay at home dad after his wife (Mandy Bare) had passed away in an unfortunate circus related accident. 

"Someones been at my porridge" said Paddy Bare.

"Mine too" said Billy.

Mary Bare threw her empty dish onto the floor in disgust that all her porridge had disappeared.

"It seems like someone has been in my chair" said Paddy Bare. "My ass groove has a smaller ass groove inside it".

"Mine to" said Billy. "Someone has moved the remote, and look mums chair is broken!"

Paddy told Billy and Mary to stay downstairs whilst he checked out the rest of the house. Paddy got his mountain climbing gear ready so he could get up to the third floor of the house. "Why we bought a fucking three-story house is beyond me".

Paddy noticed that the doors to Billy and Marys rooms where open. Paddy never leaves the doors open. It saves on the heating bill if they're closed. He also noticed his bedroom door slightly open and could hear someone snoring. He saw Goldy asleep in his bed!

"Who the hell are you?" he shouted!

Goldy woke with a start. 

"Shut up you prick, I needed to sleep after walking up three storeys!"

"I heard that" said Paddy.

She then barged past Paddy knockinig him into the door frame and causing him to bang his head. She ran out of the house and back to her mediocre two story house. Later that day there was a knock at Goldy Locks' house. Goldy answered.

"Are you Miss Goldy Locks?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"Miss Locks, I'm arresting you on suspicion of tresspassing, theft, criminal damage and assault, you do not have to say anthing...



January 18, 2018

Is a Vasectomy the right thing to do?

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In the last week I have had a vasectomy. This was a decision made by my wife and I because we have two children and we both know that we don't want any more. With our second child, my wife wanted to have her tubes tied but the doctors would not do it at that time as they said she was too young and also wouldn't be in the right frame of mind.

Having a vasectomy has never bothered me and would have been something that I got done whether the Mrs had been sterilised or not.

After having the procedure yesterday I posted the below photo on Instagram and across a few other social media channels. It got a few likes and comments etc and a fair few comments from women saying I was a "Hero". At first, I thought people were just taking the piss, then a few more came and I realised its not about me being a hero, obviously. It's about the fact that as a man I had decided to take one for the family team instead of leaving it to my wife to have a procedure so she couldn't have children anymore.

These comments got me thinking about the whole thing and it has made me think that if, as a family, you don't want any more children, then the male in my opinion should go and get this done. There is nothing to the procedure and it will save any "scares" you might have in the future.

1 in 200 women could get pregnant in their lifetime after being sterilized whereas if a man has a vasectomy the chances of getting a woman pregnant are 1 in 2000 in their lifetime. The odds of success are clearly better if the man has this procedure done. I also think that the recovery time for a man is a lot quicker.

There is also the point that a lot of stay at home parents are women and if they have had this procedure done and the male works, then who is going to look after the children etc. Again, easier if the man has it done. A couple of days off work, job done. If you're a stay at home dad then maybe between you and your wife you decide what the best course is for yourselves.

I know there are plenty of parents out there who have no intention of getting this done whether male or female and that is their decision, just say I didn't warn you when your 56 and you have a child on the way LOL.

There will be some men and women out there who will read this and say that it is their body and if I don't want to do this then they shouldn't have to, regardless of whether their partner wants them to or not. This is true, it is your body. This post is my opinion on the matter, I think if you have had enough kids then the male should be the one to step up. If you are happy to use contraception then good on you!

What do you think? Have you had enough children and are thinking about this procedure? Has the decision as to who will have it done caused any arguments between you and your spouse? Is someone just being too stubborn?

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January 18, 2018

What should we be offended by in 2018?

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2017 seemed to be the year that people got offended at stuff that ultimately had no impact on their lives whatsoever. They then shared their outrage on social media for all to see. A lot of people joined in with this outrage, then as the months of 2017 came and went it seemed that more and more people were getting pissed off with all this outrage shown by everyone. The things that were causing "outrage" got more and more ridiculous.

Most of the things I saw that outraged people had no connection to the person posting their outrage, they just did it for the likes and tried to twist it in some way so that it made people either feel sorry for them or so that they could gang up on anyone who called bullshit on their pathetic post.

If you want to read some swear words that might offend you then click here.

I don't take offence to anything unless its a direct attack on my family. I read some of the bad things in the news and sure, like a lot of people, I think certain things are awful, disgusting etc but I don't create my own agenda of "outragedness" (it's a new word) so I can gain more interactions on social media.

Having said that, if you feel you need something to be offended by in 2018 then feel free to take some of my suggestions* below and run with them.

What can I be offended by this year?

  • Hurricanes named after women! Is it right that something that causes so much destruction and misery is given a woman's name?
  • Postman Pat and his Black and White cat. Did we just assume his gender? Why does the colour of the cat matter, surely its better to be Postperson Pat and his multicultural cat?
  • Topman/Topshop. Why isn't it Topwoman?
  • Dr "Brown" Bear in Peppa Pig! Why does his colour have to come into it? No other animal in that show has a name based solely on their colour?? Couldn't he just be Dr Bear?
  • The store Mothercare. What about dads? Won't someone think of the dads?! Maybe Parentcare is better?
  • Donald Trump. Well, just because he's a stupid prick.
*I am not offended by any of these things but feel free to be offended yourself.

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January 17, 2018

The Vasectomy Chronicles Part 4 - The Op

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The vasectomy is now done. I had it at about 9:40 am this morning and it was completed in about 30 minutes. In the "Night before" post that I wrote yesterday I said that I wasn't nervous but probably would be in the morning. I was a bit nervous, I didn't sleep great and when I did I was dreaming of balloons popping, football factories burning and bricks smashing together.

I was called into the room and the Dr introduced himself and a medical student AND a female nurse (FML). He then went through the risks and asked me if I was sure I didn't want any more children?

"No thank you".

I then had to strip off from the waist down. They put some iodine on Ronnie and Reggie and then started to give me the anaesthetic. This was uncomfortable but surprisingly not as uncomfortable as the ones you have at the dentist. Anaesthetic doesn't usually work first time for me and I always need more than one dose. This was the case today. Two needed for each nut. Great stuff.

Whilst all this was happening the nurse was asking me questions to keep me occupied. Things such as, is it really that small?

Totes jokes.

She asked the usual, how many kids do you have, how old are they, when did you meet your partner, where do you work etc etc. She got onto a question about holidays this year and I told her we are going away for a few weekends to Flamborough and staying at Havens caravan site. She said she didn't mind staying in caravans but wasn't sure that the Dr would have ever stayed in one. When asked, he said he wouldn't like to as he would be scared of getting attacked LOL. Probably not a good idea to make someone laugh when you have scissors and burning equipment near their Johnson.

They started on the right nut first (you're welcome for the visual). I couldn't feel anything other than pulling. The sound of the scissors "SNIP" was a sound I'd never like to hear again if I'm honest. Once he had done that side he moved to the other side. Then "ARGH!"

"Oh can you feel that?"

"Erm, yes!"

"We'll give you some more anaesthetic now just hang on a second"

Fuck me that hurt!

After 30 minutes he was done. I was instructed to bring tight-fitting briefs to keep everything packed away. I put these on and they feel like a thong! Not sure what is more uncomfortable, the fact I'd had some of my nut tubes burnt or these friggin pants!

My surgery was a no-scalpel surgery which basically meant that they cut the tubes and cauterize the wound. In the words of the nurse "the Dr cut quite a bit off each one so this shouldn't fail". I sat in a waiting room for 30 minutes afterwards and had a coffee and a biscuit and then made my way home. I'm sat on my bed as I write this as I have to rest for 48 hours with my feet up. Winner winner chicken dinner.

The following advice on the aftercare from having a vasectomy is from the Marie Stopes website.

After your vasectomy procedure

  • Do not drive yourself home after your vasectomy as you may feel light-headed or re-open your wound. We advise you go straight home via a lift or public transport and relax for 48 hours.
  • Do not drink alcohol for 48 hours after your operation as this can increase any bleeding.
  • Keep the dressing dry and in place for at least 48 hours by wearing close-fitting briefs or trunks during the day and night. This will help reduce pain and any swelling. You can change the dressing afterwards with the replacements supplied in your semen sample kit pack.
  • Avoid showering or bathing until 48 hours after your operation, when you can also remove the first dressing. Use strip washes instead. Do not use toiletries as they can irritate the area.
  • It is normal that your wound does not have stitches as it is small enough to heal without them. However, should you suspect your wound is infected, this can be resolved very quickly and easily with antibiotics. Contact your GP for advice.
  • If you experience pain or swelling, take a painkiller such as ibuprofen or paracetamol if you have no history of allergy to these tablets. Cooling the area can also help reduce pain and swelling. This can be done by wrapping an ice pack in a clean tea towel and holding it against the affected area. Try not to get the wound wet as this may affect healing. If the swelling is severe, call our aftercare advice line.
  • If you notice any bruising around the area, or a small pea size lump develops around the wound, be aware that this is the body’s natural reaction to the healing process. Taking an anti-inflammatory painkiller can help with bruising.
  • You may find some blood in your semen after your first ejaculation. This is not unusual and is just residual blood from the procedure.

Physical activity

  • Avoid long periods of standing or walking for at least a few days.
  • You should be able to return to work after a couple of days unless you have a physically demanding job in which case we would recommend you avoid any heavy lifting or physical activity for two weeks.
  • Avoid all sports for two weeks, and contact sports for up to four weeks. 
  • Avoid short haul flights (up to three hours) for 48 hours after your vasectomy, and long-haul flights for at least a week after your procedure.
  • You can return to having sex as soon as you feel well enough. You need to ensure you use contraception until you have had the all-clear from Marie Stopes UK that your vasectomy has worked.

Was it as bad as I was expecting?


I was expecting the injections to be the worst bit and they were but even they were not that bad. If it wasn't for the fact I could feel them cut or do something to Ronnie I would have said this was a perfect op. If you're a bloke you will know that aching feeling you get after being kicked in the nuts, that's what I feel like now. No pain yet, just aching. 

I will do an update post in a few weeks on how I'm healing. If you want to read the other parts of this series then click below

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January 16, 2018

The Vasectomy Chronicles Part 3 - The Night Before

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Twas the night before my vasectomy and all through the house...

You could hear my balls screaming!

Tomorrow I have my appointment to get neutered and wanted to update you on how I'm feeling before I have the procedure. I have previously written about my decision to have a vasectomy and about the consultation I had a few months ago.

The decision to stifle Ronnie and Reggie's baby-making power was an easy one. We have two children, we only wanted two. Believe me non-parents, two is more than enough!

My appointment is at 9:50 am tomorrow morning. We can get the school run out of the way and head into town for it. The Mrs has to come with me as I'm not allowed to drive home on my own.

Don't worry I won't Facebook live it!


I have two main things to do before going for this life-altering operation.

1. Buy some briefs (so I can feel like a five-year-old I guess or an 80-year-old). They also have to be as tight as possible to keep the boys secure. This is starting to feel like it's going to be uber uncomfortable.

2. Wet shave my "area". This should be fun. I'm not saying anymore.

Nerves, what nerves?

As I write this I'm not nervous, but then someone isn't about to rip my nads out right now. I may be exaggerating there slightly. I might be tomorrow before the actual chop but at the moment I'm more excited about the possibility of not having any more children LOL.

I'll write a post tomorrow after it to let you all know what the happy haps is with Bill and Ben and how the procedure went.

Tonight in bed I'll probably be thinking quite a bit about what it's going to be like but I've got the following small playlist to calm any nerves that might arise...

Do you really want to hurt me? - Culture Club
The first cut is the deepest - Cheryl Crow
Wrecking Ball - Miley Cyrus
Great balls of fire - Jerry Lee Lewis

*Since writing this post I have now had the snip. You can read that post here.

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January 15, 2018

What you can expect from a 6 year old boy

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As our kids grow up they learn how to interact with other people and the world around them. These changes can be quite stressful for children and they handle them in different ways. I have a 6-year-old son and a 2-year-old daughter. In the last year, I have noticed a big difference in my son's behaviour.

What can you expect from a 6-year-old?

Since going into year 2 at school, Josephs behaviour has changed dramatically. Thankfully, after speaking to some of the other parents, it is not just Joseph. Josephs best friends mum said "It's like they are a hormonal pregnant woman" as their emotions are everywhere.

Josephs tiredness level has a major impact on his behaviour which I'm sure it does with all children. By far the biggest change we have seen since he went into year 2 at school and turned 6 is the drastic change in his emotions. One minute he can be fine and laughing with us, the next he is crying and saying that we all hate him because we asked him to put a sock on.

The attitude starts to hit full flow with a six-year-old, they will answer back, shout, scream in your face. They'll tell you they hate you and they wish they didn't live in your house. At least I hope other 6 years old do this, otherwise, I've got some problems. Some days you wake up and think "Fuck, another day!". Then your 6-year-old will surprise you by being good all day! You then start to think that the behaviour is turning a corner. It isn't. Tomorrow your 6-year-old will be a twat. I promise.

Despite all this there will be times where they give you a surprise cuddle for no reason, they'll tell you they love you without you saying it first which is a great feeling that I don't think will go away.

Struggling to understand how things work in respect of day to day life are tough for children, they have so much intelligence at this age but still have so little. They want to play or watch TV and are extremely unhappy when anything gets in the way of that. It's like having a mini teenager.

They are curious, asking question after question to try and learn as much as they can, then, of course, telling you that you're wrong after you answer the question! They love to tell you the things they have learnt at school and how well they are doing. Then they'll come out with a question about something where you to pretend to get a drink from the kitchen so you can quickly google the answer. Who knows what a digraph is anyway?!

They grow an appetite! Joseph has his Tea, then wants another tea. He gets a plate full for his tea but still wants more, he is a skinny boy but very tall and I think he is going through a growth spurt. Be prepared to spend more money on food!

They start to have an interest in things such as sport as they will be doing more of this in school. Joseph enjoys gymnastics at school and football. Outside of school, Joseph goes to karate which he loves. This keeps him fit and teaches him some important things.

Anyone else out there have a 6-year-old? Do any of these things ring true with you right now? Anyone who has a child that is older, did you have to deal with these things? Leave a comment and let me know.

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January 01, 2018

How I'm going to get Dad Fit in 2018

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I'm not one for new years resolutions but one thing that I always struggle with is being healthy and staying in shape. Last year I lost around two stone on the slimming world diet, I was very proud of myself and I looked the best I had for a long time. Fast forward about three months after that and I had put that weight back on. I am now probably the heaviest I have ever been at around 17 stone.

How am I going to get "Dad Fit" in 2018?

I've got to get fitter, I get out of breath now a lot quicker than I used to. When I bend down to tie my shoes my stomach hurts because nearly all the weight I put on goes to this area. Something has to change.

  • I need to get back to gym at least three times a week
  • My diet seriously needs to change
  • I need to drink more water
These are three of the main things that to lose weight and stay healthy everyone needs to do! 

I am also going to join in with the Push up challenge 2018 set by Tony at Getting Dad Fit

No pain no gain. Shut up and train!

I have been a member of Nuffield gym for around 6 years now, not that you can tell by looking at me. I love going to the gym but having two young children has made it more difficult to go on a regular basis, or maybe this is just an excuse as I have not been as motivated as before. 

I need to have a browse online and pick out a couple of workouts that I can do at the gym that I won't be bored by after a few weeks. This is a simple enough task and I will take a small notebook with me into to the gym to write my exercises, weights, reps and sets in so that I can see any improvements I am making.

One thing that will make my gym sessions and healthy side better is eating something immediately after my workout. This is something that is quite hard for me as after I leave the gym it generally takes me around 40 minutes to get home and then I will have my tea. By this time over an hour has passed which isn't ideal for restoring some of that energy I have lost during a workout.

I was recently sent some 40% protein bars from Multipower to try out. These are ideal for after workouts!

I'm not generally a fan of protein bars as I think they leave a powdery taste in your mouth for a while afterwards. This wasn't the case with these bars. I was sent peach yoghurt, chocolate almond and blueberry flavours. I don't like blueberries but this bar was easily my favourite. These are an essential in my gym bag now to give me that protein boost after a workout. 

Fitness is my motto. Fitness pizza in my mouth that is.

I love pizza. I love chocolate. I love everything that isn't healthy for me. Hence why I am rather round currently. My diet needs to change, I know this. My wife has recently turned vegan and as such, I am eating slightly better even though I am not vegan. My main weakness is chocolate. If I can cut out the snacking I know I will lose some weight without doing much else.

The main thing I need to do here is make a meal plan. Then I have to stick to it. I'll do some research on what foods I can eat as snacks that are healthy. I need to keep myself full throughout the day so that I don't snack on things like chocolate. I have done it before so I know I can do it. I just have to stick to it!

Every day I'm Guzzlin'

Water, water and more water. I know it helps your hair, skin and your whole body. I need to aim for 2 litres a day minimum. This is hard when you have a job where you cant carry water with you throughout the day. I will aim to keep a bottle of water near my desk so as I pass by it I can take a sip and hopefully by the end of my shift I will have drank it all. 

How will I do all of this?


It's as simple as that. I need to have the willpower. I want to lose weight, I want to eat healthier. I am going to set myself a few goals. My actual weight isn't that important to me as long as I feel good but I feel as though I need something that I can track on a monthly basis to see that what I am doing is working. 

Are you planning on getting fitter this year? Feel free to share your plans with me!

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